So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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