woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
