I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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