i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
