I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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