I could make wine with my vomit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
