I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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