we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
