Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
