there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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