I got chris browned last night
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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