She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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