Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
