You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
