You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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