I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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