I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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