my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
