You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
