True but thats because hes a fetus.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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