I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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