connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
