Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
