i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
