You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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