I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
