I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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