My friends, they love my intelligence
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
