so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
