You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
