i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
