isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
