Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
