i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
