i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
