I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize