I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
