I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
