how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
