Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
