I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
