Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
