Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
