I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
