Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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