just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
