Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
