Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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