dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize