I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
