If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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