I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
