I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
