Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
