He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
