I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
