i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
