those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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