Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
