Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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